Firstly, please excuse any grammar and spelling error in the blog. I do not find writing easy, which is why the ‘inspiration’ to begin a blog seemed rather insane in the first place. That same outside force is telling me that this is a blog to just write from the heart, to not put thought into – let it flow. The purpose of this blog is to share something, in respect and gratitude, which, to my amazement and tears, flowed with a healing energy of its own. The feeling to make this into a blog has a sense of urgency that can not be ignored, for the morning could bring doubt.
Today has not been my best day. I had a couple days away with my son, visiting family, and to take in a change of surroundings. I have had a rocky time with my son recently, I have been tired and low and not really handling things with the delicacy and expertise they require. Knowing this does not help, it triggers guilt, shame, and negativity. So this was the opportunity to break away from those patterns and reconnect. No X-box, no distractions, no obligations – simply time to experience an adventure together.
We arrived home yesterday and it had been everything my heart wished it to be. I felt we both were uplifted, both cherished the togetherness. I had a spiritual experience I shall try to blog about in the future, if I find the words. I have not blogged in a while as I can not follow one thought without a gush of others racing with it. So, I am giving it less thought, in the hope of coming back to it with clarity. It feels like procrastinating – but I am trying not to judge!
Within a few hours of being in familiar surroundings all the old teenage, X-box related patterns returned. This felt like being hit with a sledge hammer, or perhaps a more accurate analogy, on reflection, would be to say it was like being hit many times with a smaller hammer, but instead of dodging out the way – I reacted. I got my own hammer and started a war.
Today my son went away with his dad for a month. It is an understatement to say this whole thing would have been easier without yesterday evening. I tried to resolve things this morning but my hurt made me slow to forgive. I was lost in my own volcano of pain, reviving previous pain. I was blinded to my son’s attempts at making peace. Recognition of this added to the agony that he has gone away. Some communication is needed in the morning to rectify this but I only see this solution with the clarify that comes with time and space for processing – for healing.
To paraphrase a quote I read earlier ‘don’t worry about not noticing the universe’s signs, because they get larger and louder to get you where you need to be’. This is what I believe happened tonight. All afternoon, I have observed negative thoughts, chase negative thoughts, emotions getting lower and darker. I know where this road goes but a route off does not always seem clear. For hours I took routes off, only to re-route myself back on the dark road of doom. The mind is not the place of wisdom – of this, I am sure.
Some of these thoughts in my head got stuck and began to form what seemed like a poem. I have been flitting from one unfinished task to not complete another all evening. I was going to sit down and face these thoughts, without fear. My intention was to write down every one and stare it down or breakdown, but it felt like progress. So I sat down to write, expecting a mess of sentences, followed by a frustrated closing of the book. Before seeking out the next task.
However, that did not happen. ‘I’ started writing, but a different ‘I’ finished. I am calling this ‘I am the one’. I can not really explain what happened, I am open to explanations in the comments, the words just kept coming. They had their own agenda. I was not thinking, I was writing. The words I wrote brought me to tears, till I was writing barely able to see the page and still they came, until their was a growing calm and I started to feel peace where there was pain.
‘I am the one’
I am the one automatic doors and hand dryers don't always recognise.
I am the one easily forgotten and rather unnecessary.
I am the one people blame for their own misgivings but maybe I just can't see mine.
So I am the one who forgives, in hope of forgiveness.
I am the one who feels so much pain I can only smile.
I am the one afraid to cry in case I drown.
I am the one who spends time dreaming of escape instead of living.
I am the one whose thoughts flood my senses, freezes, lacks the confidence to move forward.
So I am the one in the pause.
I am the one who feels the presence of creatures.
I am the one catching whispers in the wind.
I am the one learning the wisdom of water.
I am the one admiring the resilience of the trees.
I am the one trying to connect with itself without knowing.
I am the one who when weak is stronger.
Because, I am the one hiding inside that knows I belong.
I am the one telling you- breathe and look to the sky.
I am your freedom, your wings - fly.